Several times this year my worst fears came true. In May I had symptoms of a fever, which turned out to be dengue hemorrhagic fever, thanks to some mosquitos in the neighborhood. I was treated in a hospital which would not let me know whether it had Covid patients or not. This was during the early months of the pandemic.
A couple months after that, it was confirmed that a co-op which had 1/3 of my investments failed, and I lost about 8,000 USD. The economic crisis hit home, and hit hard.
Then, here we are in December 2020, and I received new that my father and 2 other members of my family tested positive for the Corona virus.
Honestly, what was my first reaction? Thank goodness my husband and I have been on a different island for the last couple of weeks. Second reaction? What a horrible person I am to be feeling this way. The guilt weighed heavily on me, until I realized that those emotions wouldn’t help anyone anyways.
So I picked up the phone and asked my mom how she was doing. She was understandably very distraught. Her emotions were swirling around, thinking about what if what if what if… she seemed to be handling the external situation fine, but crumbling internally under self judgment. I tried to give her nonjudgmental support and words of love.
Oh what a crazy ride this year has been. I don’t have any tips or suggestions for this post. Just an acknowledgment of my fears and the scariest moments of this year. I wonder what more will the future bring? Am I ready? And if not, what can I do to prepare myself?
I don’t have any answers either – I don’t know if anyone does! – but I think there’s bravery in acknowledging when things are hard and painful and frightening. And that bravery’s important, and powerful in moving forward, or even just getting through.
You are absolutely right. Thank you for such thoughtful words!