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The Girl Proposed, Twice!

This is a blog post for all of you girls, ladies, women out there who have heard over and over again that you have to wait for a guy to take the lead on your relationship. First of all, let me just say that I can’t remember how many thousands of times I’ve been told this.

Girls shouldn’t take the shot first. Girls should wait. Wait for the right guy, he will come.

I am sure that for some people, this is the truth. This is what happened in your lives, and it worked out perfectly well. That’s fine, I’m very happy for you. But then this post is probably not for you.

This post is for other girls who questioned those sayings and advice. Girls who thought why do I have to wait? In fact, what am I waiting for anyway?

I’ll share with you that I’m on my second marriage now (after the tragic death of my first husband), and in both relationships, it was me who took the shot first. As in, I was the one who proposed. BOTH TIMES. Oh, it wasn’t anything romantic like me getting down on one knee in front of the guys.

My Two Marriage Proposals

With Oky, my first husband, it went somewhat like this: “Hey, let’s get married.” If he was surprised, he didn’t show it. He just smiled shyly and nodded. That’s Oky for you, sweet kind soul that he was. I was 29, he was 39.

With Cung, who had heard tales of my craziness and was (should have been) more prepared…it went somewhat like this: “Let’s sign some papers.” Cung is more cunning though, so he managed to stall it off a little bit, which was arguably for the better. We eventually had a little avocado-themed wedding. I was 33, a recently widowed young woman; Cung was 45.

In both relationships, the girl proposed! Indeed I decided to just go with it and forget about “traditional roles” because I knew it was what I wanted, at that time. There have been a couple times before Oky in which I almost got married (twice, in fact), but I called both of them off because it didn’t feel right. As much as I cared about them, I knew I wouldn’t be able to last more than a couple years with the lifestyle that we would have.

So what am I saying? I guess I’m saying that in my experience, there is no “timeline”. Sometimes things can happen quickly, too quick. And sometimes things happen too slowly for your taste. What’s important is to make sure that it feels right, and to be looking out for yourself first and foremost. Look out for your needs, wants, dreams, goals. Once you know that, then you will be able to ascertain which ones you are willing to compromise, and which ones you will not be willing to compromise.

When that is in place, then I would go for it.

For extra reading, here is a fun article on gender roles in relationships.

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White Heels and Avocadoes

I walked to greet some of the wedding guests, seated spread apart across the Heritage Kitchen and Gallery’s garden. It was a hot sunny day, not ideal for sensitive skin but much better than rain, at least for this occasion, on this location. My heels sunk into the soft earth, and I almost lost my balance.

Darn! I thought.

I am not a fan of heels, but today, my wedding day, I pulled out these 8 inch white T straps. They were a perfect match with the asymmetric layered Carla top and white palazzo pants. Pants! I loved wearing pants for my wedding. The loose fabric of the wide cut allowed me to sit, stand, or dance comfortably anywhere around the garden.

One of my favorite moments was during the ceremony when we had to put on the wedding rings. Except in Cung and my case, we both agreed no rings. We had bracelets instead. And I put them in a lovely pouch in the pockets of my palazzo pants. No standing uncomfortably still looking lovely while waiting for the groom.

Not this time.

This time I paid for most of the wedding necessities: food, venue, photographers, church certificates, you name it. Last time my father paid for most of it.

This time I had semi casual outfit, last time it was a princess gown dress by Harry Lam, a top designer.

This time I wore almost no make up, since most of my face was covered by the mask required for Covid Protocol. Last time I woke up at 3 AM and started the 2 hour make up process with the make up artist.

This time, I married Cung, a one eyed rebel architect-historian-curator. Three years ago, I married Oky, a gentle genius architect.

Oky, my first husband died two years after we got married. I became a widow.

So what am I now? A once widow? An ex widow? A wife? A second wife ?

Life, love, and death does not fit neat categories, boxes, nor timelines.

I am all the above. Life, love, and death does not fit neat categories boxes, nor timelines. They defy our expectations, and we are left wondering: What Happened?

Rumi, a 13th century poet and scholar once said “sell your cleverness, and buy bewilderment.”

The white heels was the only article of clothing which I wore for both weddings. Custom made by the maker, it fit the contour of my feet perfectly. Amazingly, they stayed clean the whole afternoon, even after several more times sinking into the lawn. The heels endured.

With them, I walked towards the guests sitting at the far end of the lawn, one of whom was wearing an avocado around her neck. Avocado was the theme of my second wedding. Guests continued to ask : why avocado?

I thought : why not ?

Originally written August 6, 2020